joke of the day

Ok everyone lets get this board back to buzzing, Post a joke here, and not just Tpa_Ken, Richard and me.

Here is a guy who really takes good care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun-tanned all over, except for his private Parts, and decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his private Parts sticking out.
Two little ladies are strolling along the beach, and one looks down and says:
“There really is no justice in this world.”
The other little old lady asks “What do you mean?” ‘The first little old lady replies “Look at that . .
When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it. When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it. When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it. When I was 40 years old, I asked for it. When I was 50 years old, I paid for it. When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it. When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80 years old, the damn things are growing wild!
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Comments

  • Member, Beta Tester
    LOL!
  • Member, Beta Tester
    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
    Two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
    "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
    In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
    The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
    with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
    She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
    After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
    She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
  • Member, Beta Tester
    A panda went into a bar and had some pub grub. When he finished he stood up and fired six bullets at the roof. "What the heck did you do that for?", demanded the barman.
    "Blame the dictionary", replied the panda as he walked out..
    When he checked, the barman found the following entry, "Panda, large black and white Chinese bear. Eats shoots and leaves".
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

    AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) Forum
    Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

    Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger,sexy women who are
    interested in them?
    A: Try a bookstore------under fiction.

    Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
    A: Keep busy. If you*re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When
    you are done you will have a place to live.

    Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that
    true? Where can it be found?
    A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

    Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
    A: Tell him you*re pregnant.

    Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
    A: Take off your glasses.

    Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow*s feet and all those wrinkles on
    my face?
    A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

    Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
    A: Valets don*t forget where they park your car.

    Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
    storage?
    A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

    Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
    A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

    Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
    A: On their foreheads.

    Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
    antique stores?
    A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
  • Member, Beta Tester
    LOL (especially the first one!)
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Yeah. But clearly that doesn't apply to Marty. He told us he was HOT remember Working on his latest book perhaps. :)
    BTW, do any of you guys play solitaire?
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Working my way through 40 Buccaneers...
  • edited April 2015 Member, Beta Tester
    How high a percentage do you think is possible Ken? Should be pretty high I imagine.
    .I'm back in from the garden earlier than I'd anticipated.. A heavy shower of fingernail sized hailstones came to my rescue. Will be able to rack up a few hundred more F&B's :-O before we get ready for a night in the pub. \:D/
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Just Freecell
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Why not lash out and spend a buck or two on buying PGS Marty? Only $24.95. An absolute bargain. 870 games you could participate in.
  • Member, Beta Tester
    A man walks into a Pet Shop and says, "Can I have two bees please?"
    The assistant replies, "We don't sell bees".
    "Well you've got one in the window," replies the man indignantly.
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Bridge to Hawaii

    A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

    The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

    The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

    The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!
  • edited April 2015 Member, Beta Tester
    No comment. =))
  • Member, Beta Tester
    The reason I have not bought the PGS games is the 5280 games that I will loose and I will have to start over AGAIN
  • Member, Beta Tester
    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
    order first.

    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And that's how the fight started.....
  • edited April 2015 Member, Beta Tester
    PGS is a completely different software to the one you already have installed. The two of them should be quite happy together. I'm sure Gregg or Thomas would be happy to assist you.
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Already asked them and was told that the two scores could not be combined. PGS can not read the Goodsol games even tho the games themselves are the same
  • Member, Moderator, Beta Tester
    Point of order: You can always install PGS and only play 869 different games, and still play FreeCell in the game you already have. ;)

    Gregg :(|)
  • Member, Beta Tester
    I know that sir. But what if I am too dumb to play the other games that you guys play. I have been playing freecell since about 1997 I think, when did it come out as a free program. I know I can play it, over 5000 games played since I went on win 7 and not lost one yet. REALLY
  • Member, Beta Tester
    A famous advertising slogan decades ago in the UK was, "I've not tried Guinness because I don't like it". That is pretty much what you're saying Marty. You don't have much faith in yourself if you reckon that you could be too dumb to enjoy nearly 900 solitaire games. There is something for everybody amongst them. Some are much easier than Freecell for example. Ken tried his hand at the new 40 Buccaneers game and found it was probably 99% winnable. I'm certain that it was well within your capabilities. At any rate you don't have to be a grand master to enjoy playing chess. Winning isn't important. You can get a lot of pleasure out of just improving your average score for any particular game without ever winning one. There are many, many lousy golfers out there with huge handicaps who have never beaten anyone. It doesn't stop them playing. You could ever get a free trial of PGS.
  • Member, Beta Tester
    A little bit closer to home, Marty, was the Alka Seltzer commercial with the tagline "Try it; you'll like it!"
  • Member, Beta Tester
    No more jokes, Marty?
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.

    Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
    Because he knows where all of the naughty girls live.
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Paddy was in New York .

    He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
    crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
    pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

    He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

    After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went
    over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

    In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

    The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.

    The third guy said," I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

    One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you all go to hell...... there aren't any Nuns there."
  • Member, Beta Tester
    And the real joke is. There are more Nuns in hell than the total in all three states. And most of them tortured me!
  • Member, Beta Tester
    Nun of your whining. :)
  • Member, Beta Tester
    The sermon
    Hymn #365
    A minister was completing a temperance sermon with a great emphasis he said, “If I had all of the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river,”
    With even greater emphasis he said, “If I had all of the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
    And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, ”And if I had all of the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
    Sermon completed, he sat down.
    The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, “For our closing song let us sing Hymn #365, “Shall we gather at the river.”
    Smile; Life is short…

    See you at the river,
  • edited May 2015 Member, Beta Tester
    A priest in Ireland was giving his Sunday sermon and had chosen spiritualism as his topic. He said that it had come to his attention that someone in the area was holding seances. He warned his congregation that seances were invariably run by confidence tricksters and charlatans. He asked if anyone present had ever seen a ghost. There was no response. He then asked if anone had ever talked to a ghost. Again there was no response.
    "Has any one of you evr made love to a ghost?".
    "Yes father", came a voice from the rear of the church.
    "Do you mean to tell me you've had sex with a ghost?" asked the priest in astonishment.
    "Sorry father. I thought you said a goat".
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