joke of the day
Ok everyone lets get this board back to buzzing, Post a joke here, and not just Tpa_Ken, Richard and me.
Here is a guy who really takes good care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun-tanned all over, except for his private Parts, and decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his private Parts sticking out.
Two little ladies are strolling along the beach, and one looks down and says:
“There really is no justice in this world.”
The other little old lady asks “What do you mean?” ‘The first little old lady replies “Look at that . .
When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it. When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it. When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it. When I was 40 years old, I asked for it. When I was 50 years old, I paid for it. When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it. When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80 years old, the damn things are growing wild!
Here is a guy who really takes good care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun-tanned all over, except for his private Parts, and decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his private Parts sticking out.
Two little ladies are strolling along the beach, and one looks down and says:
“There really is no justice in this world.”
The other little old lady asks “What do you mean?” ‘The first little old lady replies “Look at that . .
When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it. When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it. When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it. When I was 40 years old, I asked for it. When I was 50 years old, I paid for it. When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it. When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80 years old, the damn things are growing wild!
Comments
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"Blame the dictionary", replied the panda as he walked out..
When he checked, the barman found the following entry, "Panda, large black and white Chinese bear. Eats shoots and leaves".
AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) Forum
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger,sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore------under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you*re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When
you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that
true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you*re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow*s feet and all those wrinkles on
my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don*t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
BTW, do any of you guys play solitaire?
.I'm back in from the garden earlier than I'd anticipated.. A heavy shower of fingernail sized hailstones came to my rescue. Will be able to rack up a few hundred more F&B's :-O before we get ready for a night in the pub. \:D/
The assistant replies, "We don't sell bees".
"Well you've got one in the window," replies the man indignantly.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....
Gregg :(|)
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."
Because he knows where all of the naughty girls live.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.
The third guy said," I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you all go to hell...... there aren't any Nuns there."
Hymn #365
A minister was completing a temperance sermon with a great emphasis he said, “If I had all of the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river,”
With even greater emphasis he said, “If I had all of the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, ”And if I had all of the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
Sermon completed, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, “For our closing song let us sing Hymn #365, “Shall we gather at the river.”
Smile; Life is short…
See you at the river,
"Has any one of you evr made love to a ghost?".
"Yes father", came a voice from the rear of the church.
"Do you mean to tell me you've had sex with a ghost?" asked the priest in astonishment.
"Sorry father. I thought you said a goat".